Crying For Me: A Tokio Hotel Fanfiction
by DogwoodTreesAndBumblebees
Summary: That day was cold, it was snowing, and I felt the world crashing down on me. But I knew I had to tell him, Tell Him how much I loved him, even if he was long since dead and burried...


Snow was falling as I walked through the back gate.  
The iron was cold under my hands.

"Wait here." I said to the body guard standing behind me.

"Are you sure Mr. Schäfer?" He asked me.

"Yes, I'll be fine." I said back to him, he just nodded and started walking back to the car.

I couldn't blame him, it was cold outside.

I crossed my arms over my chest, trying to ward off the cold, it didn't work well.

The snow fell thick, but not so thickly that it was a real storm.

The ground, not yet covered from this first snowfall, was hard against my feet.  
The grass dead and trampled.

Slowly I looked to the sky.

I felt slow, much too slow and tired.  
It seemed that everything made me tired lately.

In fact, I had been feeling slow for quite some time now.

I guessed it was normal, but then again, nothing was normal anymore.

I walked past a tall looming tree.

The leaves were gone, leaving only the branches hard and bare.  
The wood reminded me of myself for some reason.

I felt like what I was, what I am, and what I was to be, my being, my flesh, I felt like my flesh had been stripped off my body.  
Leaving me cold and exposed.

I walked along the well beaten path hardly seeing anything but the grayness of the day.

I wondered how it was possible that the weather was able to reflect my mood so well.

I didn't want to feel like this, I hated being unhappy and slow.

Hannah, Bill's Girlfriend, once said: "Without loss, without pain and without the unique twinge that is loneliness, you wouldn't find happiness. Without loss, joy would just be another day."

I don't know, maybe she was right. But then again, the fact that it's her _job_ as an author to come up with witty, wise, shit like that, didn't help much.

The snow slowed slightly as I found what I'd been looking for.

It was a modest stone, black garnet, the top made white by the thickening layer of snow.  
Slowly, I sank down to the ground, my knees becoming cold and damp.

Very few people knew where this stone was, something we only found out that he wanted done when we read his will.  
My breath was shallow as I brushed the dirt and snow off the stone.  
_  
Georg Moritz Hagen Listing, 31'st of March 1987 – 27'th November 2015.  
Beloved friend, Son, and Brother._

I laughed slightly at the word _'brother' _  
He had no siblings of his own.

But he was as much my brother as anyone.

I remember when we were young we swore that we'd be brothers until the day we died.

"I never thought that would happen so soon, I thought we'd be old men…" I mumbled, it felt sort of awkward to talk to a stone.

But I needed to do it.  
I was pretty sure that I'd lose my mind if I didn't.

I took a piece of folded paper out of my breast pocket and plopped my ass down on the hard ground.

I crossed my legs and looked at the stone.

"I – I'm sorry I haven't come before I –," I sighed. "Dealing with the band business and the press shit has been a pain in the ass." I said, trying to keep talking.

I've hardly been able to get out of the house…" I let out a short laugh, almost as it was almost as if I were expecting a reply.  
I sighed and got back to my point.

"I – umm…, I started this when you died...it was just a little scribble on a yellow note pad, you know, the kind, the sticky ones with the, oh of course you know what I'm talking about." I rambled on.  
The faster I talked the easier it was, the closer I was to having finished what I've been trying to say for months.

'_God this is awkward. ' _I thought.

"Any way, I guess I had a Bill (and or Hannah) moment, 'cause just I wrote the first line randomly, I don't remember what happened after that I don't know.  
"But I found the note this morning under some sheet music, I finished it and came down here to read it."

I smiled at the cold stone in front of me.

"You can tell me if it's cheesy when I'm done kay?"  
I waited for an answer as you normally would have if you were talking to someone.

The feeling of stupidity had started to ebb away, I felt as if I were really talking to him.

Maybe it was because I knew that somewhere out there he was laughing at me.

"I got the news this morning but I couldn't find any tears, I feel sort of blank –,"  
I looked up from the paper and said; "– That's the part I wrote before." I nodded and went back to the paper in my hand "You always showed me how to live – to the fullest and even if 'all things go wrong, the show must go on'."

"I guess –," I sniffed and started again. "And now I guess you showed me how to die…"

Georg always said that he wanted to go out with a bang, and I'm pretty sure I heard the echo…

I sniffed again and blinked away my tears.

"I was lost until Sunday…"

Okay, lost is a bit of an understatement, I had pretty much zoned out and stayed in bed for two days.

I don't think I ate anything until Bill's girlfriend showed up on my doorstep with a crock pot and a six pack of redbull. I don't think we, Tom, Bill, Jost and I could have survived the first month without Hannah.

I blinked and kept reading.

"I woke up to face my fears, I knew it would hurt even though I didn't want to, I had to go to your funeral…"

The words on the page seemed to blur as tears filled my eyes.  
"While I wrote you this goodbye note, I found that tear that I'd been looking for." I sniffed and sat down the paper.

I wiped at my eyes angrily, ashamed that I couldn't even hold myself together long enough to say what I wanted to say.

It took me a moment but I finally pulled myself together and picked up the paper only to find that the snow and smeared most of the words.  
I sighed and looked up at the stone.

"I'm gonna miss you're smile." I said, point blank.

"I'm gonna miss you _my friend._" I said, using his own speech pattern.

I sniffed and said "Even though it hurts how it ended up – I want you to know I'd do it all again…"

"So Georg, play it sweet in Heaven okay?" I waited for that answer that would never come.  
I didn't bother to wipe away my tears anymore.

"Cause I know that's where you wanna be." I could almost see him laughing and showing his dimples.

"I'm not crying because I feel so sorry for you," I assured the man that was long since gone. "I – I'm crying for me..."

The snow stopped falling, but I still felt the biting chill of the cold winter air.

"I dialed your old phone number the other day." I informed him. "And your voice came on the line."

I shifted a bit on the cold, hard ground.

"That old familiar message I've heard a thousand times, it just said sorry that I missed you, leave a message. I know you think I'm crazy – but – but I just had to hear your voice again."

I put my hands over my mouth as a sob escaped; I couldn't take the pain and the loss. I collapsed under the weight of sorrow I'd held inside for so long.

And so, I cried.

I could do nothing but cry.

Flashes of moments flew before my eyes.

Is all in the recording studio when we first started out, Georg's annoyed face at being the 'big brother'.  
In all honesty, thirteen year old Bill and Tom were pains in the asses.

His faces after many award show and sold out concert, the smirk he wore when questions were asked at interviews, the kinds of questions you knew he would answer with a witty, and horrible sentence that quite often had to do with Tom. (Something I still haven't figured out to this day, maybe they really were in cahoots with each other)

The look on his face as he lay cold and silent in his coffin.

The many emotions that crossed his face in his short lifetime.

Laughter, pain, embarrassment.

I stayed like that for quite a while, on the ground, my heart broken.

Soon, my sobbing slowed and I calmed down enough to know that the sun was going down and the snow was starting to fall again.

I knew I had to go home soon, but some small part of me didn't want to, didn't want to go back and face the normality that was my life now.

"I guess I gotta go Moritz," I said standing up. My bones were stiff with cold and my legs and ass were rather wet.

I rolled my eyes and let out a huff.

"I'm gonna miss your smile, and even though I hate how it ended up, I'd do it all again, in a heartbeat, without a second thought, I'd jump head first." I said sighing and rubbing a palm over the scars on the side of my head.  
A heavy reminder of the price of fame.

Although not as heavy as the one in front of me.

"I'm not crying because I feel so sorry for you," I said, I was sure I was repeating myself, but it seemed what I had to say needed to be said again.

"I'm crying for me. So play your upside-down, left handed, backwards bass Guitar, and I'll meet you on the other side, superstar…" I said with a shuttering breath.

I took one last look at the grave stone and turned around to walk back down the path.

I was half way to the gate when I suddenly felt sort of warm, and happy.  
It was almost so failure a feeling that I hardly noticed it at all.

Soon, much to my surprise as I walked past the huge, bare tree, I saw Hannah standing a few feet away.

She was huddled up in what seemed to be one of her own winter coats and one of Tom's huge jacket/hoodie things trying to ward off the cold from her little, pale, anemic body.

That and she was also wearing a rather obvious look of aggravation.

She was not a fan of cold weather, at all.

When she saw me her face turned from that look of agitation to one of worry.  
She ran over to me and placed a cold, boney hand on my cheek.  
Her green eyes looked into mine as the wind blew her long brown, curly hair into her face.

"My God! You're cold, I honestly don't know why the hell I'm not on some freaking tropical island, hell, I'd take going back to Texas, at least is only sixty there…" She ranted on as her accent got stronger like it always did when she was worried or stressed.

"Hannah?" I said to her. "What are you doing here?"

"I came to get you, Make sure you were okay." She said, looking up at me and stopping mid mumble/rant.

She had been going on about Christmas presents or something to that affect.

Pain and empathy flowed from her, something I was sure had always been there.

It was like she knew; somehow she knew that losing a friend so close to the holidays.  
And maybe she did.

Hannah had always expressed that she didn't like the holidays very much.

Something I'd always thought was odd because she was always going on about Jesus and God and Biblical crap. I never really paid attention to her ramblings, unlike Bill who sucked up the Religion, liking the thought of a God and A Heaven, but in that moment, I wondered if some of it was true, I decided to ask Hannah about it later.  
I'm pretty sure that she was studying Theology (Because to tell you the truth she can spit out any random thing you ask her about the Bible and have it be true, we tested it once, Tom googled it.) before she got her book published. But that was before she and Bill met.

I was snapped out of my moment of blankness that had to do with thinking about Hannah and random facts about her weirdness by her saying "Your Body Guard called and said that you were out here and that he was running out of gas."

"What do you mean 'running out of gas'?" I asked sighing; sometimes I hated having to talk in English.

"Gustav, you've been out here for three hours, running the heat takes fuel, you can't expect the man to just sit around and freeze can you?" She asked me, her breathe rising in a mist above her.  
I hate how when she asks you a question she makes you feel like an idiot.  
It's not MY fault she's creepy smart.

"Sorry, I didn't know I was out here that long." I said.

"I'm sure…" Hannah said after a long time, but her attention was hardly on what I was saying, she seemed distracted by something over my shoulder.

Her eyes kept darting over to me and then back behind my shoulder.  
Once I even looked, but I saw nothing there but falling snow.

"How did you get here?" I asked her as I stomped my feet, trying to stay warm.

"Bill's waiting in the car….AND FOR GOD'S SAKE GEORG!" She suddenly yelled, looking over my shoulder. "You're creeping me out; He knows you love him too!"

I looked at her wondering why the hell she was yelling like a crazy person.  
I mean Hannah could be nuts, but never this mad.

And suddenly, the feeling that I had hardly registered before was gone.

The absence of it seemed more profound than when it was there.

Hannah sighed and looked back at me, her eyes were no longer hazed over and confused.

"Come on!" she said grabbing me by the elbow and pulling be forward. "Cemeteries creep me out, DON'T TOUCH ME!" She shouted looking to her left.

"God I hate dead things…" She mumbled under her breathe as she pulled me along. "And not a word of this to Bill or the others got it Wolfgang?" She said looking over at me. "Bill's paranoid enough as it is…"

I simply nodded.  
Not even bothering to try and figure out what the hell had just happened.

We walked a few more paces to see Bill's Audi next to one of the gates; he was hanging his head out of the window, his hair being blown all over the places.  
Idly I wondered why he was wearing sunglasses on a day like this; there wasn't even any sun to be shielded from.

But I knew as I climbed into the warm car that everything would be okay.

I knew that as long as Bill 'lived the second', Tom drank coffee, 'everything went wrong' and Hannah was freakishly weird, everything would be okay.

That didn't mean that I wouldn't miss that smile though.

_Ende. _

_______________________________________________________________________________

**In the last years Holidays have sort of lost their spark for me.  
Maybe it's the fact that I'm growing older and that I understand that the magic is gone, that mom and dad are really Santa.**

For almost six years, around Christmas time, someone dear to me has died, a string of luck that doesn't seem to have an end in sight.

Family friends, Grandparents who might as well have been a second set of parents, and people we know. My grandfather died before Christmas when I was eleven, Something that ended up tearing apart most of my family, leaving us quite alone in a new state.

This fiction was written around the song "Crying for me" By Toby Keith.  
I thought it was appropriate to set it around Christmas.

I truly think that the statement made earlier in the story is true, without pain and without loss, We wouldn't ever know what true Joy and Happiness is.

I hope, that as you read this (you didn't break down crying like I did, 'cause that'd be bad)  
but that you understood that just a little.

I truly hope that your Christmas/Hanukah was fantastic.  
I hope you have many family and friends in your lives and I hope you got lots of goodies…

Thanks for reading, and be sure to drop a comment.  
Hannah.


End file.
